Today was long. I had to travel from Atlanta to Boston - leaving my house this morning at 4:45 - for the MBSR 9-day Intensive Practicum in Norwood, MA.
And for what?
This is what my teacher, Florence Meleo-Meyer, asked me and the rest of us as we were about to retire for the evening. Why are you here? she asked.
I had answer: to become more present.
She repeated the same question, asking us to dig a bit deeper. Why are you here?
I had an answer: to learn to heal others.
And finally, one more time, she asked us to probe a bit more: Why did you say yes?
My answer: because I'm afraid.
A splendid exercise pedagogically - as well as personally - speaking. Though I didn't find her particularly moving, inspiring or enlightening in the first several hours of the practicum this afternoon and evening, there was something about her countenance that conveyed a sense of heart-concern, as I'll call it, and wisdom. Even if that exercise was rehearsed (and I'm sure it's been done hundreds of times...), I appreciated her delivery.
For this simple series of three repeated questions really drove home to me why I woke up so early this morning, left home for ten days, put my school work on hold: because deep down, I'm scared just like the rest of us. She reminded us all why we showed up here in the first place, and in so doing, reconnected each of us to that someone or something inside of everyone that we rarely listen to.
Presently, life is great for me. Career path is looking promising. I have a fiance I'll be marrying in 18 months who I love dearly and know will make a perfect life partner. My family is intact. I'm healthy. I'm never hungry, thirsty, cold or hot.
Nevertheless, no matter who you are or what you're doing, if provided the opportunity and the invitation, it's good to check-in with the little voice inside who's rarely given the chance to speak. For the chances are that what they have to say is important.
More on why I'm afraid as the week progresses. I have my ideas right now, but something tells me that I need to ask myself the same question...again.
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There are a few things that struck me above and beyond the poignant finish to the evening:
First, it might be a challenge to try to do my academic observations whilst engaged in the mindfulness curriculum. I'll try, but I'm not sure how much I'll be able to be thinking above and beyond the simple 'being' they're asking me to do (and I want to do). Chances are that ideas will pop up, so I'm not too worried.
Second, I actually find myself missing the Buddha statues, bowing and various Buddhist temple-type rituals and traditions that have typified my retreat experiences thus far. It makes me wonder what the practice is missing without the Buddhist tradition, community and ritual? My sense is that very little is missing but that, because I've grown accustomed to it, I miss it. It's likely the case that most in this crowd would be annoyed or feel threatened by a Buddha statue, in fact. The thought is interesting, even if the answer seems obvious, because it never occurred to me that I'd ever yearn for that type of religious... paraphernalia? ritual?
Finally, the line between medicine and religion is so finely blurred in the MBSR world that I'm always left a little bit disoriented. This says a number of interesting things to me about American religion in general, Buddhism in America (in specific), the nature of medicine, what it means to be a practitioner and/or patient, and what it means to be a physician, psychotherapist or Buddhist teacher? It is these sorts of questions that I will be wrestling with the rest of the week.
That is all.
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